I think sometimes that the world is a strange, strange place. I will admit for the first time anywhere….I have an attachment to someone. And it’s so hard to describe this attachment. the person is slightly underage at least by my standards of dating men…..but i have grown too much of a fondness for this guy. And I think the more I try to not be interested in him the more I become interested. It’s sad, but I’m trying. I have become comfortable with the fact that we would never become and item….but still idk why but there is something there….it’s something i can’t really describe. I’ve been trying and trying to look at the logical aspect, like he’s probably not even interested in me, he’s too young, the communication between the two isn’t that great, and there is someone else that I am VERY attracted to that is of age but i still draw to this guy…..It’s like he’s always in the back of my head….it’s odd. I don’t know how to shake him….maybe i need to be kissed by a legal prince charming or something….other than that I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself. I am losing weight yes….but it’s not enough….I still have WAY more to go. But I’ve always had that jealous bug and i’m trying to shake it the best way I can. But it’s the same “this person is prettier than I” complaint. Which i’ve been talking myself through it. I always look at people and put them in my shoes….for some odd reason that makes me feel better. I don’t expect my jealousy to go away over night, but i do feel much better about it. Also I’m suppose to have a date soon……but I don’t want to go on it, for two reasons. One partially being because of the lingering underage individual and the other being the situations surrounding this date. The date is a set up and the person who is doing the set up is way to excited for his own good. It’s rather annoying at times. For him to call to tell me I should call him is pretty pushy. So i’m not interested in it really…I’m definitely just going along with the motions. Also I really want to shake this other individual because I don’t think it’s fair to go on a “date” with someone while you have someone else sitting in the back of your head. But ‘eh….idk. I’m hoping I can get it settled. I want to pray to God that he leads me towards the right person and right situations…..
Is slue even a real word…idk imma use it. Eitherway, I’ve been in a lot of pain recently but i’m trying to fight it….my tooth has been giving me problems. I should expect it to do so because it’s coming to winter time. I’ve had problems with my teeth for years….but the regular maintance of them is a bit interesting story….lol I just haven’t been doing it…but i’m trying to break in the habit of doing such. Anyway that’s one part of my pain. The next part is the monthly….which was interesting this time…..I am hurting not at all surprised by that, but it’s ok. I have different sessions for my monthly period….it’s either one: heavy flow, little pain and a well behaved Keva or it’s two: light flow, heavy pain and the “bitch” Keva. Well this time i think it’s option number 2. But i think my normal thought process isn’t the same. I’ve always had problems with self-esteem and things this time i don’t seem to have that negative issues….. Earlier this week, I was incredibly confused about my emotions and liking the wrong type of guy. Well he’s not the wrong type….he’s actually VERY VERY dateable, he’s extremely polite and helpful, super cute, nice, similiar music interest, and very easy to talk to ….that seems like someone worth giving a shot…right? Well everything is working for this guy but one important thing. Which means he’s off limits to me. So i was crossed between what is right and how I feel…but I have calmed myself down…in which i’ve went with what’s right and I am comfortable with that. so YAY! problem solved. But I noticed today that I’ve been in this cycle with some things. People and their behavior has been the same for a LONG time. I’ve spoke my peace on it but…the problem seems to continue,…. since this has been going on for years this leaves me to only one conclusion….my prior ways of handling it wasn’t the proper way to do so, thus bringing up this circle that I ‘ve been having. So now I already know I must change the way I do some things….the problem is how to do so…..really..i’m not too worried i think they both will work themselves out….. Life and the lessons you learn from them….:)
In my world at the moment I really don’t know what to say. It’s going ok. It’s interesting. Right now the wonderful Swine Flu has everyone up in arms so we have closed the school for this week. but this doesn’t mean that I’m at home it just means I have no kids. My emotional state this week has been fairly good. Except for a few days, I have to let someone down kinda hard so it’s not an easy thing to do. But I know it’s something i must do. Because the event is something I don’t have an interest in nor can I afford to do it. With that being said it feels like a waste of time for me to do it. Although I am really not trying to go I will hold up my end of the bargain and buy the tickets and make sure that everyone gets what they need. But i am just done with this whole thing. Besides that my week has been well. I think what i enjoy the most is kickboxing, although before i got I don’t like going there….i always walk in sad and walk out cheery it’s really interesting. This week has been sort of boring for me because of not having any kids or having any stories to tell…I am really tired, I feel like I don’t give myself enough rest. So i think i might try to do that in the near future.
I just made a speech and made a fool of myself in front of a bunch of Korean officials. I detest making speeches………. Anyway that is one of the things I don’t care much for about Korea. My school that I work at puts me in arms reach of the Superintendent. Which makes us show ponies. There are two new staff members and they had to make a speech that’s understandable but then why did we….I have no clue. So I’m rather annoyed and embarassed. In an hour or so I’ll get over it. But this is exactly why I don’t want to eat lunch here anymore. I feel like a spectacle to those people, I really don’t care to get to know anyone of them. There are a few people maybe, but not really. Eitherway, I’m not a fan of doing that…. But besides that I am happy because I’ve had such a good weekend. I went to Seoul to meet one of my friend’s family. It was really nice. I became a slight lush but it’s ok. I just know next time….stick to beer and I’m always in the clear. In comparison to fruity liquors, I am not a big fan of the taste of beer so I don’t drink as many. Ahh…facebook is slowly losing it’s appeal. I find my family very embarassing. They love to say dumb embarassing things on there. Things like “Imma tell your momma” “You don’t call no one.” Thanks I mean really…let’s not forget i’m 25 not 5. At that age who knows what they were doing. So I would like to be treated the same as everyone else. Which I am not….everyone views me as the innocent one. The baby, even though i’m actually NOT the baby, I get viewed in a younger light than others. But anyway if it wasn’t for all the friends I had on there I wouldn’t be there… but ‘eh. This day has the easy potential to be really bad….but I will do my best to not let it….And Kickboxing…..is not bad, I really enjoy it…I’m always curious and I had a nice conversation with my friend Rachel about how little things can do so much for a person. Like taking the time to get your manicure or pedicure….it’s very minor but it means so much to a person. And working out. You’re not gonna walk in a morbidly obese person but walk out a super model, but just that hour does so much for a person. My friend said chemically it does and it was said on legally blonde about the endorphins and etc. Well I guess it’s true.
It’s interesting these past few days…..I have finally started kickboxing and I like it. It’s a lot of work, but i can do it. It depends what day I go because I went yesterday and i was so tired…..but it was still good. The gym I go to is interesting. It is Korean culture to be apart of a family. So they are very inviting. The first day I went back there they had me eating Watermelon on the roof. Plus it’s also good to have something of my own to do. But now everyone wants to do it. LOL! Everyone likes to exercise in OkCheon. I can live with that. But it’s interesting. I’ve decided to change my diet a little too… I thought that it’s a waste of time to work so hard in the gym and then go eat a burger or something worse afterwards. If that was the case I should just stay home. Next I am really happy because two things i was worried about didn’t even happen. I was so worried about the next person and my shine and etc. Well rumor has it that the new person is a boy. I am a bit disappointed because I have gotten use to the idea of it being a girl. But that’s ok too, i’m just hoping he’s nice and if he’s cute that would be good too. Something to look at. Anyhow when I found out that news i was a bit shocked. Next bit of news is my weekend. I had intended on going to this party in Busan with my friends to see someone leave, well the party was cancelled. I wanted to see my friend leave bit I didn’t really want to see a bunch of the other people. I rathered hang out with my friends from DaeJeon. Either way, I have room to do as I please….so i’m excited.
It’s interesting….this week I decided to stay to myself in the house. Which was a well needed break from the party scene I have been engaging myself in the past few weeks. Normally when I am alone like that I normally try to think of things I could be doing. Not this time, I was so happy to just chill. Outside of the occasional shoving my cat out of my face it was a pretty restful weekend. I did a lot of talking to myself which is something else that is needed. The situations that I find myself having problems with I think is due to me….partially at least. Because I’ve heard plenty of times that 90% of life is reacting. So I am doing my best. But I had a lapse on Sunday. I was called by a friend because they wanted to tell me and some others about how good their previous night was. So I went over to have “tea time” with them. It was nice, it’s good to see them, being that I only get to hang out on the weekend. But I was faced with something I wasn’t ready for. The single incident that brought on this whole break down in the first place was about to be thrown in my face. I know I have to face it at some point in time. But at same time I didn’t expect to react that way. My body went flush and I didn’t really know how to react. I felt my friend Andy kinda glance at me but I made sure not to glance at him. Because I didn’t want to show a reaction, but I think i did. I would like to apologize if so, because I don’t want the awkwardness. Sigh….oh well. Either way, It’s a “me” problem but I don’t want a bunch of people suffering on my behalf. It’s something I know I must get over. So I’m trying to face this issue head on. I’ve stood in the mirror last night and talking to myself. Just trying to see if that stuff works. It didn’t really, at least then. I cried because it’s something I’ve never said aloud. Again it’s all a work in progress, greatness don’t come over night. Also I want to make sure that I achieve my greatness prior to meeting someone because I don’t want to feel like my greatness is defined by the guy in my life….that’s not true greatness. So, I will beat myself up to change what is needed to be changed because i know in the long run it will be worth it. There is a song lyric, that I always go back to in times of trouble. It basically says that I won’t be in the same place next year crying the same tears. And when I was moving to Korea I used that song to motivate me, I think i need to use it again to motivate me in a different way. Because I’m really tired of crying about something that I can’t change. It’s beginning to get old. But it’s still kinda hurtful. The song is from Kirk Franklin’s Declaration….
I will say today has been an interesting day. I am not feeling the greatest. And they always say that when you feel bad it’s so much easier to spiral. Well let me start from the beginning. Today I started off taking this well needed challenge. I came to Korea to clean up my credit and etc. Well since I been here I haven’t really made any headway on that. So i decided to focus hard on that and less on leisure. Well…I printed off one of my credit reports and it’s not very good. I knew it wasn’t very good but still when i read it, my head just began to hang heavy. I wanted a challenge but I didn’t think it would be so time consuming. Either way I know it’s something i must do if i want a decent future. Because certain offices check your credit when you apply for a job there….because they want to see how responsible you are. Either way, it’s something i have to get better at. I just think it’s harder than I expected it. So i have to fight the heavy feelings I have, the feelings of defeat. Along with that challenge of cleaning up my financial act I have decided to work on making myself feel as fabulous as I have always dreamed. Along with the revelation I had yesterday, I told myself i needed some work done, on me. I want to figure out how to make myself look good, and update a lot of my things. Most of them are old and cheap so that’s how they look, old and cheap. Either way when i walk out of the house in the morning and when i come home that night I want to feel good about myself. Because (as I described to Chelsea) Fabulous = Confidence = Fearless and that equals a world of possibilities. So i’m trying really hard. But you can’t go from being depressed three days ago to feeling like a Beauty Queen the next….there is a lot of work in that process. Now I received my first test today. We are about to change our classes here. In two weeks, which is ok. I really want to keep all of my activities but whatever, I have to do as told. Now the test comes in as, we’re going to have a new worker here. The person is going to fit into the cracks and make the load way to light for us. The challenge about that is I like my schedule as is….it was perfect in my opinion. And the new person….since there are already two guys here I have a feeling that my teachers will request someone that is minority. It will either be a white/black female or a black male. Now the problem with the person being black…is idk…I don’t want to be “lumped together” with this person because of the fact that we’re both black and would have similiar culture things. If it’s a girl, nine times out of ten this girl will be pretty. In that case, it will eliminate me in the eyes of the students. I know that sounds petty, but I don’t feel like being the back fiddle anymore. I liked being the minority in both rights. It could just be me behaving in a spoiled manner but, ‘eh. I’m not in the mood for a new person. One thing I am willing to admit about myself is that I don’t do well with new people. I don’t want the possibilities of the person being either an awesome person or a straight punk ass bitch. The system wasn’t broke so why is it trying to be fixed. Just as I was settling myself the system was rocked so now i’m like ‘eh. But the test comes in at me seperating myself from whoever this other person is. Especially if they are some really pretty girl. Then I just have to remember this person, is this person and I am me. I’m still special for whatever reason I have…idk….again you can’t change the way you were thinking your entire life in one week. But whoever this person is I will grit my teeth and work with the person and when i don’t have to be around the person, I won’t. The missions I have subjected myself to. I have to do a lot of praying….HHHH~
It’s been a while since I have written, but I decided to try to keep things up now….so now i will talk about some places i’ve went. First I’ll talk about when I went to Dae gu. DaeGu is a really big city in Korea, I want to say it’s the 3rd biggest city,(Seoul, Busan, Daegu, Incheon, and then DaeJeon) I think that’s the order…i may have DaeGu and Incheon off….either way, I went there. Surprisingly enough I liked it. I went with my friend Andy and we both enjoyed ourselves. One of the first things that I noticed about the city is Dong-Daegu and plain Daegu….when we were trying to catch the train there i seen both of those titles. Which is very confusing, in Korea the provinces here go by short names. Like the place i live in is called Chungcheongbuk-do, but if it oftened referred to as Chungbuk-do. So when i seen the Dong-Daegu vs Daegu i got confused and thought they were the same place….BUT they aren’t Dong Daegu is the bigger city and Daegu is a small portion of the city, it’s actually the big downtown shopping area. I was happy I went into this run down looking shop and the Ajummas were so happy to see me or at least they behaved that way and they helped me find all these plus-size clothes. And i was happy about that…then we went out that night, we went out first to this place where you play Bowling and pool together…like it’s a miniature bowling set and at the other end you shoot a ball down…i liked the game. I did ok at it. Then there was Frog….an incredibly packed place….which had a bunch of Koreans in it…if there were any Foreigners there I wouldn’t have known, either way although it was packed Andy and I managed to have so much fun and took pictures with this really cute Korean guy. It was so dark in there i didn’t know how cute he was…lol. Enough about Daegu now, we went to this Buddhist temple called Golgulsa. It was an interesting experience. There was a lot of walking. The temples were really pretty. We had to sleep in seperate rooms from the guys. I went on this trip with Andy and another friend named Milena. The sites were really nice it was so peaceful there. We had to participate in this breakfast ritual where we have to eat in a certain order and clean our bowls out and have to have it completely clean. At the end of the breakfast they pour your water used to clean the bowls into one pot and if anyone got anything dirty you had to drink the water. hmmm…let me see if i can remember the pattern.
1. Put the bowl to your left knee
2. You start out with 4 bowls stacked
3. You take them out with one bowl to the front then beside you then the other on that side
4. The big bowl was for rice, the bowl directly in front of you was for vegetables, the bowl to your right was for soup and the bowl in front of that was for the water.
5. The give you the rice you have to hold it over your head
6. The give you the soup and you have to turn it so it helps the server
7. You take some vegetable but you also HAVE to take some Kimchi
8. You wash the kimchi out in the soup and don’t eat it yet.
9. When you eat you have to cover your face
10. Then the cleaning process you use the water and the kimchi to clean all the other bowls.
And while you’re doing this you HAVE to be quiet….
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- us doing the buddha pose
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- two beatiful temples at Golgulsa
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- the top one
Okay lastly I went to the beach..Daecheon Beach….nice. I like that too it was nice. Plenty of men which is always a good thing, but i never been camping so that was a great experience….
I have been in Ok Cheon for at least 4 months now…..and it’s interesting. I’m finally adjusting to life here fully….I am doing a lot of the habits that I had in DC…where I am getting bored with just sitting around watching TV, and just going out. I am satisfied with the friends i’ve made, I think i have enough. I am working a lot on me here…..umm…I have been out and about a lot. This blog is about my journey to become a better me, that is a never ending journey but you know it’s ok…..but one of the biggest things I have done towards my growth is the love for myself. Although I didn’t think that was the lesson i was suppose to learn….Initially, I had an episode about how Asian men aren’t interested in black women and etc…and I was feeling really low about myself and etc. I had to take a chill pill….I was talking to a friend of mine about it….that was like the best thing i could do. Partially because I was letting these emotions just build up and keeping them there…making me more jealous and it harder. But My friend told me advice that made since…..but in trying to fullfill his advice I realized that i needed to do some me-loving first. His advice was I needed to put myself out there, which is something i think is very hard to do since I wasn’t confident in myself….so for the past week or so I tried to give myself encouragement…..but the thing about me is that i’ll give myself all this encouragement and once a month i go back to hating myself and everything around me….etc….well i’ll do my best to stay along this path….so that I will have a better ending that i did in DC….I was breaking down there and fast. But that won’t happen here i’m sure of it. So now i’m back on my fashion and make-up kick. Although i suck at applying make-up. Do i love myself fully? I don’t know, right now i say yes, I had a mini revelations this morning that changed not only what I was thinking but how. So i think that was incredibly helpful. But today feels like the first in the rest of my life if that makes sense. So by next month i’ll see where things will take me….ahh this is my boy and i’s favorite song….if you start to shout it he goes off it’s so funny…
Well….i’ve been in Ok Cheon for about a month now…I got very use to how the things were going and then………the center opens. Nam Bu’s week long English Camp officially opened it’s doors to the public on May 4th (my mom’s bday)…I am the teacher of class A…we only have three classes Awesome, Brilliant, and Creative. Ahh this week was special i think…but it made this week harder….I like my other colleagues have never taught a class of our own…so this class was our first class ever. Our first ever homeroom class…interesting it was. Every other day we do 12 hour days…but it’s not bad…in my opinion…it doesn’t feel like the 12 hours i’ve done before at my past jobs. I will say I really like this job….Monday we had the opening. The kids come in and register themselves (so to speak) they act out landing on a plane. Then they have to go through security (i do that ) then they have to go through the front desk….that day we don’t actually have a class…but they meet us and have a welcome party…..next after that is the official classes….lol my after activities were Welcome Party, Song and Dance and Auction. I think to me the most memorable moment would have been he line dance…..the kids loved it…they wanted an encore of the dance. Sam and I left the school sweaty as hell…Welcome Party was fun but that was on Monday so everyone was getting to know each other at that time. But the Auction was great I really liked doing that. The first class A…were great kids…all i can remember is “AAAAWWWWWW TEACHER!!!!!” Lol~ Each kid had their individual thing about them that i liked…I was surprised that the kid on Monday i forgot his name…he was one of the ones who expressed how much he loved me….these kids…this school actually…is odd…I don’t like to “Goodbyes” but i’m in a school where i fall in love with students only to have them love in a week…but if you think about it…which is worse…one week or one year…I don’t know..But today since it’s the last day they wrote notes for the teachers and things like that…so they wrote me cute little “Thank you for teaching us” notes and my board has some notes on them…it’s kinda hard to look at them….because i know i have to move on…Monday more I’m back playing “airport security” with another group. I will say this though. This week is special…these guys were first…so the first always means so much to you…Anyway there is a class picture taken..I want to get it from Joey my Korean teacher who is AWESOME too…he saved me this morning…This morning we had to do skits…which ended up being some kids mumbling English songs but it was the cutest things…my kids stomped which they really seemed to like it…Anyhow…these are the songs my kids sang…..
